Why Your Relationship with Yourself Determines All Others
Understanding the Sacred Foundation of Self-Relationship and Its Ripple Effect on Every Connection in Your Life
By Sharon Saevitzon, PCC, ELI-MP
Love-Centered Transformation Coach helping accomplished women shift from external achievement to internal fulfillment through ancient wisdom and modern neuroscience
The Mirror of Connection: How Self-Love Becomes Universal Love
Have you ever noticed how accomplished women often excel at nurturing everyone except themselves? You pour love into your children, support your partner through challenges, and show up as the reliable friend who always listens, and yet when it comes to extending that same compassion inward, you feel stuck in patterns of self-criticism and "not enough" thinking.
This isn't a character flaw. It's a learned pattern that can be transformed. The relationship you have with yourself serves as the template for every other connection in your life, creating either a foundation of love or a cycle of seeking external validation to fill an internal void.
The Neuroscience of Self-Relationship
Recent advances in neuroscience reinforce what ancient wisdom traditions have taught for millennia: our internal dialogue literally rewires our brain's capacity for connection. Dr. Kristin Neff's groundbreaking research on self-compassion demonstrates that individuals who practice loving self-regard show increased activity in the brain's caregiving system—the same neural networks activated when we feel love for others.¹
When we operate from self-criticism, our nervous system remains in a state of chronic stress, activating what Dr. Dan Siegel calls the "lower brain" functions associated with survival rather than connection.² This neurobiological state makes authentic intimacy nearly impossible because we're unconsciously seeking others to regulate emotions we haven't learned to soothe within ourselves.
Ancient Wisdom Meets Modern Understanding
My great-grandfather, a Kabbalah Rabbi, taught that unconditional love must first be cultivated within before it can flow outward authentically. This wisdom aligns perfectly with Indigenous traditions worldwide, from the Native American Lakota understanding that "all relations" begin with our connection to our own spirit, to the Buddhist teaching that loving-kindness meditation starts with extending compassion to ourselves before expanding to others.
The concept of "deep listening" emphasizes the importance of sitting in stillness with ourselves first, creating the inner spaciousness necessary for truly hearing others. When we haven't learned to listen to our own hearts with compassion, we unconsciously expect others to speak the language of our unmet needs, which is a setup for disappointment and disconnection.
The Energy Leadership Connection
Through my work with the Energy Leadership Index (ELI), I've observed that individuals operating at higher consciousness levels consistently demonstrate stronger self-relationship patterns. At Level 1 (victim consciousness) , we are filled with self-discrimination . At Level 7 (non-judgmental unconditional love), relationships flow from a place of wholeness rather than neediness.³
Leaders who score higher on self-compassion measures create more psychologically safe environments for their teams, demonstrating how internal relationship patterns directly impact external dynamics.
The Heart-Centered Transformation Process
Heart-centered living, as defined by the HeartMath Institute, involves coherence between our heart, mind, and emotions. This is a state that can only be achieved when we've developed a loving relationship with all aspects of ourselves.⁵ Their research reveals that heart coherence not only improves our own well-being but creates a measurable positive field that influences others around us.
This aligns with what I call the Love-Centered Transformation Method.
1. Recognize and Release Without Judgment
Begin by acknowledging your current relationship patterns without the self-criticism that keeps you stuck. Indigenous traditions teach us that all healing begins with honest witnessing. "The longest journey you will ever take is the eighteen inches from your head to your heart." - Thich Nhat Hanh
Release what no longer serves you.
2. Remember
Remember who you were before the world told you who to be.
3. Radiate from Wholeness
When your self-relationship becomes a source of strength rather than depletion, your capacity to love others exponentially increases. You stop unconsciously expecting others to heal your inner child and start relating from your adult, heart-centered self.
The Ripple Effect: How Self-Love Transforms All Relationships
Receive with Compassion
Be open to receiving the love you so freely give others. Research by Dr. Barbara Fredrickson shows that self-compassion practices literally expands our emotional capacity, making us more emotionally available to others.⁶
With Your Children: When you model self-compassion, you give your children permission to be human. Dr. Shefali Tsabary's research on conscious parenting shows that children of self-accepting parents develop stronger emotional regulation and self-esteem.⁷
With Your Partner: Romantic relationships thrive when both partners take responsibility for their own emotional well-being. The Gottman Institute's research reveals that couples who practice individual self-care and emotional regulation have significantly lower divorce rates.⁸
With Your Work: Professional relationships become more authentic when you're not seeking validation for your worth through achievement. You can receive feedback without defensiveness and offer your gifts from genuine service rather than proving your value.
With Your Community: When you've learned to hold space for your own complexity, you naturally become more accepting of others' imperfections, creating the psychological safety that allows real connection to flourish.
Practical Integration: Ancient Practices for Modern Lives
Daily Heart Coherence Practice
Adapted from both HeartMath techniques and traditional loving-kindness meditation:
Place your hand on your heart and breathe slowly for 2 minutes
Recall a moment when you felt genuine love for someone else
Direct that same quality of love toward yourself
Notice how this shifts your entire nervous system
The Listening Practice
Set aside 10 minutes daily for sitting in stillness and listening to your inner world without trying to fix or change anything. This practice develops the capacity for non-judgmental awareness that transforms all your relationships.
Mindfulness Inspired Self-Reflection
Each evening, ask yourself: "How did I treat myself today? Would I treat a friend the way I treated myself?" This simple practice builds awareness of your internal dialogue patterns.
The Scientific Foundation for Love-Centered Living
Dr. David Hawkins' research on consciousness levels demonstrates that love (Level 500) creates entirely different life experiences than fear-based emotions (below 200).⁹ When your relationship with yourself operates from love rather than fear, you literally attract different people and opportunities into your life.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, spanning over 80 years, conclusively shows that relationship quality, not achievement, predicts life satisfaction and longevity.¹⁰ The foundation of all relationship quality is your ability to be present, compassionate, and authentic, capacities that can only be developed through a loving relationship with yourself.
When Love Changes Everything
As someone who has built a successful coaching practice entirely through referrals, I've witnessed how self-love creates a magnetic quality that draws people toward authenticity. When you operate from love rather than need, you become a safe harbor for others to explore their own transformation.
Taoist wisdom teaches that the outer world flows from the inner. Just as a still pond reflects the sky without distortion, a calm and balanced heart reflects harmony into every aspect of life. When you cultivate peace within, you naturally create balance, ease, and connection in the world around you.
Beginning Your Heart-Centered Journey
If you recognize yourself in these patterns (accomplished externally but struggling with self-acceptance), know that this awareness itself is the beginning of transformation. The longing for deeper self-love isn't a sign that something is wrong with you; it's evidence that you're ready to align your external achievements with internal fulfillment.
Your relationship with yourself is the foundation upon which all love is built. When you learn to be your own safe harbor, you become capable of offering others the same unconditional presence you've cultivated within.
The world needs more women who lead from love rather than fear, who model self-acceptance rather than perfectionism, who create connection rather than competition. This transformation begins with the sacred relationship you have with yourself.
Because when love flows from within, it truly changes everything.
About Sharon Saevitzon
Sharon is a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) and Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioner (ELI-MP) who helps accomplished women transform their relationship with themselves and others through the integration of ancient wisdom and modern coaching modalities. Drawing from her multi-generational lineage of spiritual teachers (including her Kabbalah Rabbi great-grandfather, who were yoga teacher, and her mother, who was born in China), Sharon creates safe, transformational spaces where love-centered living becomes possible.
Ready to explore your own self-relationship patterns? Download "The Self-Love Assessment: 7 Signs You're Ready for Transformation" at sharonsaevitzon.com
References
¹ Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow Paperbacks.
² Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. Guilford Publications.
³ Bruce D. Schneider. (2007). Energy Leadership: Transforming Your Workplace and Your Life from the Core. Wiley.
⁵ McCraty, R., & Shaffer, F. (2015). Heart rate variability: new perspectives on physiological mechanisms, assessment of self-regulatory capacity, and health risk. Global Advances in Health and Medicine, 4(1), 46-61.
⁶ Fredrickson, B. L. (2013). Love 2.0: How our supreme emotion affects everything we feel, think, do, and become. Hudson Street Press.
⁷ Tsabary, S. (2010). The conscious parent: Transforming ourselves, empowering our children. Namaste Publishing.
⁸ Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
⁹ Hawkins, D. R. (2002). Power vs. force: The hidden determinants of human behavior. Hay House.
¹⁰ Waldinger, R. J., & Schulz, M. S. (2023). The good life: Lessons from the world's longest scientific study of happiness. Simon & Schuster.
